Maybe Not

Today was the first day...early morning gym duty...9th grade earth science classes...

I was so pumped up this morning. I was too excited to sleep last night. I was like a little kid on Christmas Eve...waiting for Santa. I love the first day of school. It always makes me happy. I go in...knowing the day will be long and hard and full mandatory flexability. But I meet the new kids and start a new year and it all is good again.

Then came today...my first day as a high school teacher. Not so happy about the day. High school is not what I expected...although I don't really know what I expected...but whatever it was I definietly know that today was not what I expected. I miss my 6th graders...

I have always been concerned that I am not the "right" type for the high school environment...I am afraid that today confirmed that thought. Of course...it could just be "that first day" kind of problem and things will be al happy tomorrow...

I failed at my job today. I floundered...I was lost...I was off balance and nervous...and worried. I tried to be my usual self...but it came of as fake and silly. I know that my family and friends will say not to worry...that is was only the first day...that things will get better...but they don't get it...they don't get what is inside me. I am a teacher...I know when I succeed at what I do and I know when I fail at what I do. Today I failed. I feel defeated...it will be a struggle to regain my footing tomorrow. It is always bad to fail on the first day.

I am sad...I my heart hurts...my stomach is sick...what if I can't do highschool? I have never been not able to do anything...I won't give up though...I will go down fighting...tomorrow is a new day and I will try again. This is going to take creative work...hard planning...and every tool in my vast tool box of educational knowledge that I can dig out.

And in the end...maybe I will find that high school is not for me...but I will give the kids the best of me...I will teach them...they will learn...I will find a way.....