Catching Up

It has been a long time since I have posted. Mainly I have been busy with a new interest in my life. I met someone. I actually met him online. He is a very nice, considerate, and caring man and I enjoy spending as much time with him as possible.

The leaves are starting to change. I am so excited...it is actually autumn!

I don't suppose I have much to say right now...I need to clean up the kitchen and cook some dinner. I will try again later.

Autumn

Could the first faint musing of autumn be on the horizon? It was 46 degrees when I got in my car this morning. That is cold for a Texan in September. I must say that it is very refreshing...but I just wasn't expecting it. I called my mom and she said they would be lucky if it got down to 78 degrees last night...we won't even reach 78 for a high today. I think by the middle of the week are are supposed ot hit the 80's again...but then we are supposed to cool right back down by the end of the week.

It is so fun and exciting to realize that I live in a place where autumn...fall...actually happens! I feel the impending excitment of chaning fall leaves. I am going to take a balloon ride over central Virginia when the leaves start to change...I can't wait!

So I raise my glass in salutation to chilly nights and cool, crisp days!

Missing Pieces

I have been blogging for awhile now. I really enjoy blogging. At first I felt like I was writing to other people...but now I just feel as if I am writing. It is good to get thoughts and feelings down in writing sometimes...even if those thoughts are just silly mundane ones. The other thing I like about blogging is that people can know what is really going on...on the inside...even when you don't really feel like talking about it...or maybe can't talk about it. Tonights blog is one that I have been thinking about for days now. It started out as a nagging little thought and has grown until it completely consumes my mind at times. I keep writing and rewriting it whenever my mind strays to thoughts of it. Tonights blog is about some deep, inner things that have been going on in my lately...not bad things...just things. Most are things I don't talk about to anyone...either because I don't really know how or because I don't feel like bringing things up and getting emotional. Sometimes it is just better that way. So...fair warning to all who read the blog...(not many I am sure)...if you don't want to know deep things about me...then you should quit reading now. LOL

Have you ever put together a puzzle? It is a fun way to spend a rainy or cold day when there really isn't anything else to do. There is some kind of odd satisfaction of watching a picture come together before your eyes. The search for the exact piece, placing that piece, feeling the tight fit as the piece locks in...it is all enjoyable to me. I haven't put together a puzzle in years...but it is one of those things you can always recall doing. The worst part is when you are missing a piece...or pieces! You work and work...to get down to the end...and with a feeling of dread you realize that you are missing a piece. Your search...thinking it might have fallen to the floor or be stuck the box...sometimes you are lucky and find it...other times you never do. On those occasions it is such a let down...here you have spent hours working...and for what?...only to be disappointed that the puzzle will never be finished. What is worse...sometimes you are putting together a puzzle and other pieces from other puzzles have somehow found their way into the box...it is all very frustrating. (If my professor from my research class in grad school was reading this he would confirm that I am definetly OCD (obsesive/compulsive)...he already things that enough as it is. LOL)

So why have I been consumed with thoughts of puzzles for the last few days? Basically because I feel like my life is a puzzle right now. I have been patiently putting it together...finding each piece and placing it where it goes. And now...just when I feel like I am getting close to being finished...I realize that I am missing some pieces.

Most think I am crazy. I have two degrees...a great job...money..a car...all the things that people mark success by. And I don't for one minute regret what I have. I have worked hard and I do love my job. Although, that might be debatable right now. Of course, I still love teaching more than anything...perhaps it is the environment. I have even moved 1200 miles from home to try something new and exciting. I have lived here for 2 months as of tomorrow. I think that overall it has been a horrible let down. Maybe I expected too much...like moving to a new place in a new state would just magically change everything. It hasn't. I am still me...with the same problems...the same me. While I do love the weather and the environment here...most days it just isn't enough to get by on. I watch my friends with their beautiful baby. My heart aches to hold a baby of my own. To be the one my little baby reaches for when no one else will do. I know that Carole understands...but I don't think anyone can understand how deep and persistent that ache has become.

And then there is watching her and Britt together. One day I was at their apartment and she was just sitting on his lap in the chair...we were watching something on tv. I have no idea what it was. We are all so comfortable together...and without them really even noticing...I just sat and watched them. Britt would occasionally give here a small kiss on the cheek or the side of the head. It was so natural...so wonderful and loving...so sweet. I envy that. I want it for myself. Now before those reading freak out...I don't want that with Britt...and I am not some crazy who spys on her friends kissing...it was just one of those everyday moments...and I enjoyed watching their love and happiness. While Britt can get under my skin sometimes by the things he does...he is the best husband and father. He is so patient and kind and loving. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for his family. Carole is lucky...Ava is lucky...and I hope that one day I find that man that will be all of those things for me....

....but still...another missing piece...

Then there is this strange gaping hole that I can't quiet figure out. While I want this love and this family...I have no interest whatsoever in dating. Dating...I balk at that word. The games...the getting to know you...the learning to communicate. Sometimes I think I just want to skip all that and get to the being completely understood and comfortable part. But then I think...but the exilleration of meeting someone new and learning all about him...that first kiss...waiting for him to reach out and take my hand...the little butterflies in the stomach...why would I want to miss all of that? Why??? Because I am tired...tired of finding that wrong man...consistenly picking up the wrong piece for the one millionth time...only to put it back down and search again.

And there are so many more missing little pieces of my life that sometimes I begin to think that maybe I am not as close to finishing the puzzle as I thought. It is hard to long for these things...to search and not find. Yet...I am patient. I mean...what else can I be?

And then there are these strange pieces that don't belong with my puzzle. Like the fact that I have taken to eating soup at lunch. Soup?!?!?! I hate soup. Yet...I started buying those microwave serving Campbell Select Soups. And I take them and eat them. so strange...I hate soup....that piece sure doesn't fit.

All these things add up to plague my mind. I miss home. I cry and I don't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know because talking about it would just make it worse. Besides...I am a strong, independent young woman right? hmmmm...sometimes. But lately I have just wanted my mommy...I feel like Ava...crying on the floor...begging for mom to come and get me...to make me happy....but...mom can't make me happy. Only I can make me happy. Virginia is not what my dreams and plans thought it would be. I was once told that disappoint was unfullfilled expectations. I expected one thing and got another...therefore I was disappointed. I can only blame me for that...Virginia is not a fairyland where everything is magically different. So...I have to accept that and pick up and create my reality.

As I read over this I think of how horribly depressed and glum I sound. I think overall I am pretty happy here. I love the weather...and I am looking forward to the fall. I like most of my school kids and I am really getting to know some people at work. We laugh and have fun and most of my day I don't even think about these things. But then...as I settle down to go to bed...thoughts of puzzles and missing pieces come flooding back into my mind. Most nights I just sigh and resign myself to continuing my search...I will find them...they are there...hiding...just out of reach. Other nights I shed some tears. But every day I get up and start again. Happy for the new experiences and challenges that each day brings. So to my family and friends who chose to read this...don't worry...this is just my blog...a place where I finally feel comfortable telling it like it is.

...one day I will find those missing pieces...one day.....

High School Football

The thrill of Friday night...the lights...the sounds...the whistle blowing...the band...who cannot love Friday Night Highschool Football?!?!?!? I love it. I always have. I was in marching band. I was at every Friday night game...even the ones where we were stomped into the ground. Sure...there have been times when I have made faces about going back to support my alma mater....but deep down...I love it all!!!

I was so excited by the prospect of our first Friday Night game at Culpeper County High School. The stadium is right there on campus so it is very convenient. Let me start by saying that this stadium doesn't hold a candle to the ones that I grew up going to. CCHS stadium looks more like a middle school stadium in Texas. The like to boast that football is King here...but they don't know anything about Texas football! But that was just the beginning....so first we have tiny stands...which are separated from the field by a huge concrete track-like thing....this is where all the students spend their time at the game...just walking in a big oval...over and over and over again. Then there is a short chain link fence...right on the other side of the fence is the actual track...and then finally you get to the field. It feels like you are miles away from the action and it is hard to see all that is going on.

Then there is the size of the team...relatively small in numbers considering there are over 2000 kids in the school. We had about that many in my high school and we had a huge football team. I will save my discussion of the game for a bit yet. There are however, 20 cheerleaders. Quite alot...but they actually cheer the whole game! I was quite impressed. The band was very good...considering it only had about 50 people marching in it. (Another shock considering the actual size of the school.) The marched extremely well and sound good too. The other team didn't even bring a band...(I found out today that the visiting team doesn't usually bring a band with them...how very sad...away trips were always the most fun!). While the band was great on the field...they barely played in the stands...My mom would have been amazed. She is always thinking that the GHS band doesn't play enough in the stands during the game...however, compared to what the CCHS band did...well...there really is no competition. LOL

Now onto the game....we lost....30-7. It was rather sad in all. We have no defensive line or offensive line...no pass rush...no...well...really not much of anything. We were intercepted so many times it wasn't even funny. We can throw the ball well...now if only we could catch it more. We have a kid that is pretty good at kick-off returns...he probably would have made a couple of touch downs had he been one or two more steps ahead of the other team. But we also had alot of stupid penalties...like the blasted delay of game. I hate that penalty...there is no reason on Earth for a team to get a delay of game!!! I mean...how blind to you have to be to see a giant clock ticking down the seconds right in front of you. Then our coach...we he got an unsportsman like conduct penalty...that was stupid too. The other team also made a safety on us...overall...I felt like I was back at my good old GHS freshman and sophomore year football games.

Of course...today my kids were very excited that I went to the game and were happy to groan over the more horrible moments with me. I think there were shocked that I knew about football and could complain along with the best of them. Of course...being the ever positive teacher...I pointed out...that we have a long season ahead of us and we have lots of room for improvement! Most of them just rolled their eyes...and secretly I did too!

I was proud of myself though...I stayed the entire game...right up until the last sad minutes. I can only hope that this next Friday night we display a much better team!

Overall...it felt good to be back at a Friday night game...enjoying the sounds and smells and sights. (Of which, I saw more than I wanted to of many of my students...including much kisses and grabbing that I could have done without!!!). LOL...it was fun to reminisce...remembering my own days in high school. The times when I was much more interested in my latest crush...and could care less about what the football team was actually doing on the field. Oh the memories!

We're NOT in Texas anymore Todo!

Hurricane Francis...or what is left of her...is continuing to move up the East coast. We had our share of bad weather today. First there were potential problems with flooding. It seems as though there are lots of areas that are prone to flooding around here and they will close school for it. All the kids kept asking if school would close. Personally I don't think it even rained that much...however...I guess if it rained more upstream in the mountains then we would suffer also.

But the most exciting things happened right as the day ended. Fourth block, not my favorite, went well today and the bell rang and everyone left. I had to go to the office to turn in a cut slip for someone I know was skipping my class 3rd block. As I was leaving the office the student body started flooding back in the front doors. I quickly assessed the situation..as all good teachers do. I mean...school was out...why weren't they leaving!!! Much to my dismay...a tornado had touched down just a few miles north of the school and was supposedly coming towards the school. Students were hurried back inside into the auditorium for safety. The air was off...it was incredibly humid...and come to find out the storm was moving north...away from the school!!! But...we still had to wait to make sure.

The funniest moment...at least to me is when our school officer came in and we asked what was happening. He said that a tornado had definetly touched down...destroying several bulidings and rupturing gas lines. At that moment 2 deputies were out searching for the tornado and would report back when they found it. SEARCHING FOR IT??!?!?! FIND IT?!?!? IT WAS A FREAKING TORNADO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...HOW IN THE WORLD COULD IT NOT BE SEEN????? WHY WERE THEY SEARCHING FOR IT...AND WHAT EXACTLY WERE THEY GOING TO DO IF THEY FOUND IT???? I laughed at that for quite awhile...of course...maybe I found it funny because I was in a hot, humid, autorium with hundreds of unhappy teenagers and you have to keep a sense of humor to remain sane!

So here I am in Virginia...far far away from "Tornado Alley"...in which I have spent my entire life...In all that time...i have been in only one serious threat of a tornado...and now...here I am...in Virginia for less than 2 months and already a tornado...very close. CRAZY!

Other than that my day went well. I did a lab with sand today in which my kids modeled topographic maps. It was one of those successful activities when they actually learned something!!! They all said that they understood topographic maps much better now. Happy Day! Now...if only they will remember it!

Well...time for a shower and bed...and I still need to plan tomorrows lesson. Hopefully I won't wake up tomorrow surrounded by little people, a yellow brick road, and a green witch!

One night in September

Well...it is that fun time of year again. School is off to a successful start and now...BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT (also known as Open House or Meet the Teacher). This is a wonderful night (note sarcastic voice) in which parents get to come to school to meet all of their child's teachers. I wonder how many high school parents will come? I don't remember my parents ever going to a meet the teacher night when I was in high school. It also means that I will be getting home very late. :(

TGIF

I am so glad it is Friday. I have never been one to really long for a weekend...but since teaching highschool is not turning out to be so wonderful...I am happy to see the end of the week. I have been thinking about my unhappiness with my situation...and I have come to some conclusions...

1. I think part of my problems come from being used to teaching 6th grade...I am not in the middle school any more and I have yet to really adjust to that.

2. 9th graders should not be sitting in groups...so now we are in rows.

3. Being uncomfortable in a situation forces us to change and adapt...which I am trying to do.

I think that teaching high school will end up being good once I figure out the correct balance of things...discipline, expectations, independence...etc. These things will just take time and I have to be patient and keep trying. So...I do have a light at the end of my very dark tunnel...even if it is only a pin-prick of light at this point!

So...Happy Friday...and here's to a 3 DAY WEEKEND!!!!