Missing Pieces

I have been blogging for awhile now. I really enjoy blogging. At first I felt like I was writing to other people...but now I just feel as if I am writing. It is good to get thoughts and feelings down in writing sometimes...even if those thoughts are just silly mundane ones. The other thing I like about blogging is that people can know what is really going on...on the inside...even when you don't really feel like talking about it...or maybe can't talk about it. Tonights blog is one that I have been thinking about for days now. It started out as a nagging little thought and has grown until it completely consumes my mind at times. I keep writing and rewriting it whenever my mind strays to thoughts of it. Tonights blog is about some deep, inner things that have been going on in my lately...not bad things...just things. Most are things I don't talk about to anyone...either because I don't really know how or because I don't feel like bringing things up and getting emotional. Sometimes it is just better that way. So...fair warning to all who read the blog...(not many I am sure)...if you don't want to know deep things about me...then you should quit reading now. LOL

Have you ever put together a puzzle? It is a fun way to spend a rainy or cold day when there really isn't anything else to do. There is some kind of odd satisfaction of watching a picture come together before your eyes. The search for the exact piece, placing that piece, feeling the tight fit as the piece locks in...it is all enjoyable to me. I haven't put together a puzzle in years...but it is one of those things you can always recall doing. The worst part is when you are missing a piece...or pieces! You work and work...to get down to the end...and with a feeling of dread you realize that you are missing a piece. Your search...thinking it might have fallen to the floor or be stuck the box...sometimes you are lucky and find it...other times you never do. On those occasions it is such a let down...here you have spent hours working...and for what?...only to be disappointed that the puzzle will never be finished. What is worse...sometimes you are putting together a puzzle and other pieces from other puzzles have somehow found their way into the box...it is all very frustrating. (If my professor from my research class in grad school was reading this he would confirm that I am definetly OCD (obsesive/compulsive)...he already things that enough as it is. LOL)

So why have I been consumed with thoughts of puzzles for the last few days? Basically because I feel like my life is a puzzle right now. I have been patiently putting it together...finding each piece and placing it where it goes. And now...just when I feel like I am getting close to being finished...I realize that I am missing some pieces.

Most think I am crazy. I have two degrees...a great job...money..a car...all the things that people mark success by. And I don't for one minute regret what I have. I have worked hard and I do love my job. Although, that might be debatable right now. Of course, I still love teaching more than anything...perhaps it is the environment. I have even moved 1200 miles from home to try something new and exciting. I have lived here for 2 months as of tomorrow. I think that overall it has been a horrible let down. Maybe I expected too much...like moving to a new place in a new state would just magically change everything. It hasn't. I am still me...with the same problems...the same me. While I do love the weather and the environment here...most days it just isn't enough to get by on. I watch my friends with their beautiful baby. My heart aches to hold a baby of my own. To be the one my little baby reaches for when no one else will do. I know that Carole understands...but I don't think anyone can understand how deep and persistent that ache has become.

And then there is watching her and Britt together. One day I was at their apartment and she was just sitting on his lap in the chair...we were watching something on tv. I have no idea what it was. We are all so comfortable together...and without them really even noticing...I just sat and watched them. Britt would occasionally give here a small kiss on the cheek or the side of the head. It was so natural...so wonderful and loving...so sweet. I envy that. I want it for myself. Now before those reading freak out...I don't want that with Britt...and I am not some crazy who spys on her friends kissing...it was just one of those everyday moments...and I enjoyed watching their love and happiness. While Britt can get under my skin sometimes by the things he does...he is the best husband and father. He is so patient and kind and loving. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for his family. Carole is lucky...Ava is lucky...and I hope that one day I find that man that will be all of those things for me....

....but still...another missing piece...

Then there is this strange gaping hole that I can't quiet figure out. While I want this love and this family...I have no interest whatsoever in dating. Dating...I balk at that word. The games...the getting to know you...the learning to communicate. Sometimes I think I just want to skip all that and get to the being completely understood and comfortable part. But then I think...but the exilleration of meeting someone new and learning all about him...that first kiss...waiting for him to reach out and take my hand...the little butterflies in the stomach...why would I want to miss all of that? Why??? Because I am tired...tired of finding that wrong man...consistenly picking up the wrong piece for the one millionth time...only to put it back down and search again.

And there are so many more missing little pieces of my life that sometimes I begin to think that maybe I am not as close to finishing the puzzle as I thought. It is hard to long for these things...to search and not find. Yet...I am patient. I mean...what else can I be?

And then there are these strange pieces that don't belong with my puzzle. Like the fact that I have taken to eating soup at lunch. Soup?!?!?! I hate soup. Yet...I started buying those microwave serving Campbell Select Soups. And I take them and eat them. so strange...I hate soup....that piece sure doesn't fit.

All these things add up to plague my mind. I miss home. I cry and I don't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know because talking about it would just make it worse. Besides...I am a strong, independent young woman right? hmmmm...sometimes. But lately I have just wanted my mommy...I feel like Ava...crying on the floor...begging for mom to come and get me...to make me happy....but...mom can't make me happy. Only I can make me happy. Virginia is not what my dreams and plans thought it would be. I was once told that disappoint was unfullfilled expectations. I expected one thing and got another...therefore I was disappointed. I can only blame me for that...Virginia is not a fairyland where everything is magically different. So...I have to accept that and pick up and create my reality.

As I read over this I think of how horribly depressed and glum I sound. I think overall I am pretty happy here. I love the weather...and I am looking forward to the fall. I like most of my school kids and I am really getting to know some people at work. We laugh and have fun and most of my day I don't even think about these things. But then...as I settle down to go to bed...thoughts of puzzles and missing pieces come flooding back into my mind. Most nights I just sigh and resign myself to continuing my search...I will find them...they are there...hiding...just out of reach. Other nights I shed some tears. But every day I get up and start again. Happy for the new experiences and challenges that each day brings. So to my family and friends who chose to read this...don't worry...this is just my blog...a place where I finally feel comfortable telling it like it is.

...one day I will find those missing pieces...one day.....