Tears of Anger

I cried this afternoon. Hard angry tears. There are many reasons...several of which I cannot discuss because they concern coworkers and job issues and tons of complicated things that technically I cannot and really don't want to discuss.

But in the process of letting out all of my extreme anger I reached another level. I stood there in my mom's office crying and I reached the grain of sand the has been rubbing...irritating...causing me grief for so long...

Today was a successful day for me. Well, actually I have had a string of successful days. I young girl who is on the edge as we say admitted one day recently that she liked coming to my class and she liked me. Score one for the teachers. I have worked very hard to build a relationship with this child. Probably letting things go that others wouldn't...overlooking when others say I shouldn't...but I do...and I talk to her. I take a few minutes each class to really talk to her. Not just about school stuff...about whatever she wants. She didn't feel good one day because it was "that time of the month". Well I can relate to that. I told her I completely understand. She said that she won't to get on the pill that only let you have 4 periods a year (me too...but I didn't say that). I told her that might be a good idea....and then we talked about not getting pregnant. Not a big moment...but we connected that day. Then, two days ago she came in to class, sat down, got her work out and worked for a solid 20 minutes without be prompting her one. VICTORY!!! Many of you are thinking...20 minutes??? what? you teach 45 minute classes EVERY DAY. But that is a big step.

And then...in the same class there is a young man. He has failed both six weeks. This one wasn't looking so good either. But he got put in in school suspension again but this time he did his work. So today in class his work was done. He worked hard on corrections. I was so elated I could hardly contain myself. I almost hugged him...but I didn't...rules you know :) So now it looks like he will be able to complete the project and pass this six weeks. Probably the biggest accomplishment he has had all year...another big score!

And yet...these things and all the other little things that happen every day don't matter to the big people in charge. These things won't show up on those stupid district tests we have to take. These things don't matter to the people in the office because the small successes don't show up on scores in the short run. But these are HUGE events in my day. They show great strides and growths. Children are learning and growing and they enjoy coming to my class. But those things don't matter to those people in charge because these kids still won't pass. And that just isn't fair.

I cried and cried. I try so hard. I want my students to succeed. And they do. But they don't succeed in the way that the state of Texas says they should. And that isn't fair. I don't know why kids today aren't as smart as they used to be. Blame it on TV or parents or falling standards. The point is that it just doesn't matter where the blame lies. The point is that it is simple truth. We set our kids up for failure. I ask them to take a test that they cannot pass. They do not have the skills. I am not allowed to teach them skills. I am asked to CRAM curriculum down their throat and hope they retain enough to scrape a pass. That isn't learning...and it isn't teaching.

We want them to know moon phases....tell me...how many of you can walk outside right now and look at the moon and tell me the exact phase it is in...make sure you get the waxing or waning part right...and you correct science terms...boy I bet that really affects your day to day life.

What about stream development. Do you know the stages of stream development? When was the last time you discussed that at dinner?

But you do use thinking and reasoning skills...you can deduct things by learning to think and reason. Let me teach those things. But I have teach teach menial facts because those will be on the test.

So my angry tears fall...tears for my students...tears for me...it isn't fair...but they say life isn't fair. I do my job for the kids. No one sees my little victories. But I do. And I smile. I give high fives and pat-on-the-backs, great jobs. I walk kids down the hall. I joke and laugh and ask them not to fight in my room. I hand out 50 pencils a day and over a pack of paper and probably 15 pens....I will never see those again. I give out binders and notes...sometimes bottles of waters and crackers for upset stomachs. I make rockets the day before thanksgiving break that don't work. I love my kids and I love my job....even through my tears.

3 weeks till Christmas break...

So what does it say when I am already planning for Christmas break and the first day back from Thanksgiving break hasn't even started yet???

I will let you decide what it means. :)

I can't say that Thanksgiving break wasn't long enough...we had 5 1/2 days off...which is alot more than most people have. And honestly I was starting to get a little bored. Not that we didn't have plenty to do with family events and wedding receptions and other various things to do. I do feel well rested...but I don't feel ready to go back just yet.

As usual I have been meaning to blog for several days. I wanted to talk about Thanksgiving and being an adult. I have pictures of the house...or well the pipes to add...and various other topics that I wanted to post about. But there was football on TV and I wanted to spend time with Nathan and so that is what I did. Mixed in with our obligations it was a restful and wonderful holiday.

One of the most profound moments I had over the long weekend was on Thanksgiving morning. I was trying to locate an appropriate e-card for Carole. In the process I found one that said, "Thanksgiving is the feeling that your heart is home again." I almost cried. That one statement captatured the day and my feelings. In one year I had gone from completely miserable to overwhelmingly happy. My heart felt at home for the first time in my life. I have always gone to church on Thanksgiving morning. It is one of our traditions...one of my favorite ones I think. There is a time at the end of the service where you can stand and share what you are thankful for (it is a very very small church). I was going to stand...I had so much to be thankful for this year. As I was working out what I wanted to say and just how I wanted to word it my aunt stood to thank her family and in the process began to cry. At that moment I decided against standing. Mom was sitting next to me and I knew that what I wanted to say would have made her come close to crying before that moment...but after that moment...I knew we would all cry and I just wasn't prepared for that.

So I will say now what I was going to say then...

I am Thankful today. A year ago I was in Virginia...away from family...lonely...miserable...and generally doubting that God really did have good things planned for me. But now...here I am today with everything...no more than everything I have ever dreamed of before me. I am thankful that God is patient with me. I am thankful that he lead me home. I am thankful that I am home...for the first time in my life I am home. A few days ago I saw a church sign that said "Impatience is a form of unbelief." I am Thankful that God speaks to us in small moments when we aren't really even paying very good attention. I am Thankful that God has a plan even when we don't believe.

We Have PIPES!!!

We had to run out to my mom and dad's house today to pick up some pumpkin pie spice...and since we had to go all that way we might as well go by our house. :)

We went out Sunday to measure our backyard...all 17 feet of it. Yeah...not very big...but that means less yard work right? LOL. But I do have a screen porch! And since we have neighborhood pools and parks we are not too worried about the lack of backyard.

Anyway...on Sunday we had perimeter boards and a few trenches. Today...just 3 shorts days later...we have pipes. I am going to takes pictures tomorrow so that everyone can know what I am talking about. We should have foundation late next week or early the following week.

SOOOOOO EXCITING!!!!

And the Crazy Stand Alone...

So...tomorrow is the last day of school before the Thanksgiving holidays. We get out at 2:00pm. Surely you remember those glorious days before holidays. The days spent with color sheets and filmstrips...and then later on movies.

Gone are those lazy days. Enter the day of the talent show. Tomorrow our school is being turned upside down for not one...but two talent shows. One in the morning and one in the afternoon. The need for this is because we have so many kids. Now one might think the talent show would be free for our low income kiddos who receive free lunch. OH NO....we charge a whopping $3 to go to this talent show. $3!?!?!?!

HOLY CRAP. That is expensive to go watch a bunch of kids and some teachers try to dance and lip sync and do a bunch of other stupid stuff...I mean...it isn't really a "TALENT" show.

But that aside...we do get out of school early. We are going to be in 4th period ALL day. The way it works....take my class for instance. In the morning I will have class (ummm...babysitting service) then we will go to lunch...then in the afternoon we will go to the show....well those that can afford the $3 bucks will. :) Those that see the show in the morning will do the opposite.

So...we have been given permission to show a movie tomorrow when we aren't at the talent show. Well...actually we were first encouraged to teach. LOL...that is funny...what teacher has EVER taught the day before the holiday? I know they didn't when I was in school. We colored...or did puzzles...or watched those old film strips (think way way back to elementary school) or watched some "educational movie".

My plan was to show a movie on Caves. I bought it at one of the many caves I have visited in my travels. Since we are studying weathering and erosion I feel that it fits right in. So see...educational. :) Good teacher. However, when we were given permission to show a movie...what the administration was trying to say was that we didn't have to show and educational movie. Ok...whatever...why waste a day. :) See...still good teacher. :) Although sometimes they do think I am mean...but hey...it is a movie you know...and I wasn't even going to make them take notes or anything.

But then today....We were working on our weathering and erosion field guides (huge writing project that will be another big long blog later) when several kids in my fourth period start begging me not to watch a movie tomorrow. WHAT?!!?!? NO MOVIE?!?!?! :) I panic...they actually want me to teach on the day before a holiday? Oh NO!!!!! So I try for a non-educational movie...(by now even more kids are begging...and I do mean quite literally begging)...no...still no...they don't want a movie...they want a fun lab.

So what do I do???? I give in. I rack my brain for a "fun" lab. What the heck can I do that is fast, fun, and easy? Film Canister Rockets! To think my kids actually want to do science rather than watch a movie...although it is a movie about caves...but I did offer any G rated movie as a last resort...it was a proud moment for this teacher...

So...after school I race all over town begging stores for empty film canisters (not as easy as you think). I now have well over 75. So now we have a lab. :)

I must be crazy....or dedicated...or both...I don't know. Maybe this is just really what it means to be a teacher. While EVERY other teacher in the building will take the day off with a movie I will be busting my butt with lab. Think...7th graders (12-year-olds for those that don't remember), baking soda, vinegar, film canister, and goggles...but they asked for it...they want to do something fun...they don't really think it is educational...but that is okay...most of the time they don't know it is educational. That is when they learn the best. So...Alone I will stand...with my plastic apron and my goggles...and let my 7th graders shoot their rockets!!!!

The Goblet of Fire

We went to see the 4th Harry Potter movie yesterday afternoon. It was wonderful! By far the best of the series. Of course...that really isn't fair to say because as with the books, each movie is a progression and should therefore be more involved and exciting. But nonetheless it was still "brilliant" (unless you are a Harry Potter fan you won't get that remark).

So you might be asking yourself...but I thought she was going to stand in line like a complete fool the night it opened. Well...that had been my plan. But Nathan had a basketball tournament Thursday night, and Friday night, and a football playoff game on Saturday (which they lost...so sad) so we compromised and decided to wait until Sunday afternoon. I mean...it is still the same movie right? Yes, technically...but you loose the excitment...but it was still a packed theater yesterday afternoon so it was okay.

Many people think my love of Harry Potter is quite freakish...that is okay...I don't mind being a freak! :)

One week from tonight...

I will be standing in line for the 4th Harry Potter Movie.

I was there for the midnight showing of the 3rd movie...of course it was released in June. It will be a school night...but that is okay. I am going to be there.

The clips they have online are awesome. I think this will be the best movie yet. :)

I am SOOOO excited!!!

Two Weeks 'Till Thanksgiving

Can you believe it? 2 weeks from today I will still be asleep. It will be Thanksgiving day. It just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving or November for that matter. Of course, yesterday it was a cool 88. A cold front did come through however so I think we are going to only be about 73 today. In that extended forcast they always show they are predicting only 60's as highs by the middle of next week. But weather prediction is very tricky...so I will wait to see what happens. I hope it isn't hot on Thanksgiving day.

Our New Home

Here are some pictures of our future home.


First the site...

Notice the trees in the backyard.








Here is what our screened in porch will look like.







And last...the elevation of our house. Ours will be like the one below, we even think the brick is the one we picked out...or at least close to it.

So our first meeting with the builder is on Friday. It is so exciting. It is funny how such a small change has changed me so much. I am tolerating the apartment much better because I know my time here is limited.

As soon as they start doing things on our site then I will put up so more pictures. :)

Miserable November

It is hot. Oh...and don't forget super humid. November isn't supposed to be hot and humid. It is supposed to be cool and pleasant. We are supposed to break another record high today when we top out around 88 degrees today.

88 in November. Completely crazy.

911

I have had to call 911 twice in the last 5 months. Prior to this point I have NEVER called 911 before.

In July, Mom and I were driving out to Garden Ridge to buy stuff for our engagement party. Right in front of us we watched a truck slam into a mini-van causing it to fall over on its side. I called 911.

Last night, Nathan and I were going over to his sister's house for dinner. The light turned green...Nathan started to go...I said "Stop Stop STOP!" There was this white truck literally crawling through the intersection. People were honking and swerving. Nathan stoped (we were hardly moving) and then a car who couldn't see the mess in the intersection comes flying by us. The truck and car collide...the car goes flying out of control...I call 911.

I used to think...I never really see these bad wrecks happen. Now I have been present for 2 and have been an active participant.

I wish for it to stop. Last night was scarey because we very easily could have been involved. Nathan was in a wreck last May...and we bought the VUE. I sure didn't want it to be a crunched up last night.

Fortunately we were not involved in the wreck. I still think that they guy in the white truck must have been on something...it was all too wierd.

So hopefully I have done my duty of calling 911 enough now. I will gladly let others take over.

We Bought a HOUSE!!!

Happy day! The Happiest Day of ALL!!!

We bought a house today...well...we bought a lot and they are going to build the house we like on the lot. :)

It is a David Weekley Home. It is 3 bed, 2 bath with a screened in porch!

It has this great little common area between the two smaller bedrooms called the "children's retreat". It is so awesome!

Since the house hasn't been started we were able to pick out all the stuff we wanted inside..as far as colors and tile and laminent and carpet and appliances and countertops and cabinets. :) It was tedious but I get what I want from the start.

So...we move in at the first of March. Not so long from now really...and before we register so I will be able to register for specific things for the house! It is all so exciting!

Microscopic Killers

Nathan had me tape a show on PBS for him last night. It was the first part of a three part series on Health issues. As he teaches health he thought it would be a great show.

Because I was taping it I ended up watching most of the show. It was interesting...I learned new things...and it scared the crap out of me! For those of you who worry about EVERYTHING never watch this PBS show. You are better off living in ignorance.

The show did change my mind about some things though. Before last night I was really conflicted about all the shots they give new born babies. I just didn't feel it was necessary to risk their health. However the doctors on the show made some very good points that I had NEVER thought about before. They pointed out that the majority of people today have no experience with the kinds of diseases that babies are immunized for. If all babies are immunized then these diseases have no opportunity to reappear. While it isn't a big deal here in the US yet...it only takes one baby not immunized to catch something and spread it rapidly to other babies who aren't immunized. The doctors made the point that to keep diseases like polio and small pox and other things at bay we must immunize our children. While they do admit there could be the rare side effect they said the risk is worth it...because the diseases are HORRIBLE. After watching this show I agree and now my babies will get all of their shots!

The show also explained why it is so important to take all of your antibiotics. While I have never been one to not finish mine I will always make sure that me and anyone I know takes the whole course of drugs. The risks of not doing so are not a pretty thing.

So tonight...I will be taping part 2 of this health series. I am sure that it will be as dramtic as last night's episode. I told Nathan that he is going to scare the crap out of his high school kids. He said...we have to be educated about what is out there. And while I agree...I still wonder if I really needed to know ALL the possibilites out there. I mean...do I really need to know that there are strains of viruses out there right now that cannot be killed by any known drug? I guess it doesn't really matter if I know or not because if you get one of these bacterial infections it will probably kill you within a few days...

Wonderful Moments

Today started great from the moment I woke up. To begin with Nathan and I went to eat at the new Olive Garden last night. It was good. Then we were in bed and asleep BEFORE 9pm. We were tired so we went to bed. It was excellent.

Then...this morning...November 1st. My favorite day of the year. For starters it means I survived what I consider the worst day of the year...Halloween.

A few words about Halloween...

I don't celebrate it...at all. I think it is an incredibly stupid holiday. People dress up either to get candy or scare people. Well...I can buy candy any day of the year. And I hate being scared or startled in any way. I see no point in it. I dread the day when I have a child old enough to realize that people wear costumes and go around asking for candy. So I know the day is coming when I will have to bend to common culture and dress my child in some sort of costume and take him or her to beg for candy. Trick or Treat??? Really...they should probably just say...Will you give me free candy please? And I know it will happen. My friend has a 4-year-old that couldn't wait to be a princess today. And my other friend dressed my little sunshine as a purple dinosaur. And yes she was super cute...but I don't know...I still don't like the concept of it all. I do like that my friend (the mom of the purple dinosaur) implemented the "Tooth Fairy" on Halloween night. Our cute little dinosaur picks a few pieces of candy to keep and the rest is left in the plastic jack-o-latern for the tooth fairy. The tooth fairy comes that night and leaves a host of goodies like a new tooth brush and special toothpaste, stickers, coloring books, and other little stuff. Great way to get rid of all that candy!

But even with that great idea I still dread it all. I have a hard time visualizing myself dressing up my infant...if we have a baby sometime at the end of May or the first of June then our baby will be 4-5 months old. I just don't see the cute-ness of it all I guess. Oh well...I will enjoy my total ignoring of the pseudoholiday as long as I can!

Anyway...on to more wonderful moments...

So I woke up happy. I love November. I love the cooler days. The night coming earlier. The cozy feeling it gives me to cuddle up and watch tv. And...Thanksgiving above all other holidays has to be my favorite. It isn't about gifts. I don't have to figure out what to buy people or make a list of things for people to buy me. It is a time for good food...family...and giving thanks. Thanksgiving has always been big in our family and I know it will be big in ours.

Then I went to school. And in a place where I don't know what is going to happen and if it will be good or bad...the happiest moments of the day developed before me eyes.

We were reviewing their district test. We played a game. They worked together in groups and competed for "Free Homework Passes". It was amazing. They were so excited and focused. I think we learned more today than we have all year. EVERY child was engaged and excited. Even those who pretended it was stupid. It was wonderful and amazing. It was one of those moments when you are reaffirmed of your passion...that you are doing what God planned for you to do. Even when I got the test scores and they were lower than I expected I was still happy. I feel that I saw the problems they had today and addressed them as we came to them...I think they learned from their mistakes today. :)

I think the other wonderful moment of today is knowing that we are starting astronomy. We are leaving the dreaded physics and chemistry and we are moving into the stuff I LOVE. :)

So there it is...my wonderful moments of the day. I hope you had wonderful moments in your day today also. :)