Tears of Anger

I cried this afternoon. Hard angry tears. There are many reasons...several of which I cannot discuss because they concern coworkers and job issues and tons of complicated things that technically I cannot and really don't want to discuss.

But in the process of letting out all of my extreme anger I reached another level. I stood there in my mom's office crying and I reached the grain of sand the has been rubbing...irritating...causing me grief for so long...

Today was a successful day for me. Well, actually I have had a string of successful days. I young girl who is on the edge as we say admitted one day recently that she liked coming to my class and she liked me. Score one for the teachers. I have worked very hard to build a relationship with this child. Probably letting things go that others wouldn't...overlooking when others say I shouldn't...but I do...and I talk to her. I take a few minutes each class to really talk to her. Not just about school stuff...about whatever she wants. She didn't feel good one day because it was "that time of the month". Well I can relate to that. I told her I completely understand. She said that she won't to get on the pill that only let you have 4 periods a year (me too...but I didn't say that). I told her that might be a good idea....and then we talked about not getting pregnant. Not a big moment...but we connected that day. Then, two days ago she came in to class, sat down, got her work out and worked for a solid 20 minutes without be prompting her one. VICTORY!!! Many of you are thinking...20 minutes??? what? you teach 45 minute classes EVERY DAY. But that is a big step.

And then...in the same class there is a young man. He has failed both six weeks. This one wasn't looking so good either. But he got put in in school suspension again but this time he did his work. So today in class his work was done. He worked hard on corrections. I was so elated I could hardly contain myself. I almost hugged him...but I didn't...rules you know :) So now it looks like he will be able to complete the project and pass this six weeks. Probably the biggest accomplishment he has had all year...another big score!

And yet...these things and all the other little things that happen every day don't matter to the big people in charge. These things won't show up on those stupid district tests we have to take. These things don't matter to the people in the office because the small successes don't show up on scores in the short run. But these are HUGE events in my day. They show great strides and growths. Children are learning and growing and they enjoy coming to my class. But those things don't matter to those people in charge because these kids still won't pass. And that just isn't fair.

I cried and cried. I try so hard. I want my students to succeed. And they do. But they don't succeed in the way that the state of Texas says they should. And that isn't fair. I don't know why kids today aren't as smart as they used to be. Blame it on TV or parents or falling standards. The point is that it just doesn't matter where the blame lies. The point is that it is simple truth. We set our kids up for failure. I ask them to take a test that they cannot pass. They do not have the skills. I am not allowed to teach them skills. I am asked to CRAM curriculum down their throat and hope they retain enough to scrape a pass. That isn't learning...and it isn't teaching.

We want them to know moon phases....tell me...how many of you can walk outside right now and look at the moon and tell me the exact phase it is in...make sure you get the waxing or waning part right...and you correct science terms...boy I bet that really affects your day to day life.

What about stream development. Do you know the stages of stream development? When was the last time you discussed that at dinner?

But you do use thinking and reasoning skills...you can deduct things by learning to think and reason. Let me teach those things. But I have teach teach menial facts because those will be on the test.

So my angry tears fall...tears for my students...tears for me...it isn't fair...but they say life isn't fair. I do my job for the kids. No one sees my little victories. But I do. And I smile. I give high fives and pat-on-the-backs, great jobs. I walk kids down the hall. I joke and laugh and ask them not to fight in my room. I hand out 50 pencils a day and over a pack of paper and probably 15 pens....I will never see those again. I give out binders and notes...sometimes bottles of waters and crackers for upset stomachs. I make rockets the day before thanksgiving break that don't work. I love my kids and I love my job....even through my tears.