Sunrise

Watching the dawning of a new day is truely a beautiful thing.  The sky slowly changing from dark to light...the clouds changing from dark gray to soft pink...all of it is beautiful...except maybe the sound of the trash truck.  :)  Even things of beauty are often marked by the unmistakable sounds of reality. 

The day has finally come.  My furniture will be arriving soon...only hours from now.  By the end of the day I will be surrounded by boxes and all of my things.  I couldn't be more excited and happy...and full of sadness at the same time.....

Last night...or I should say early this morning...as I was trying in vain to go to sleep I realized I was feeling the first twinges of homesickness.  I wondered...why now?  Why when things were finally going to be getting back to normal would I start to feel sad?  Well...I think just for that reason.  This is real...this is my life now...in Virginia...1200 miles...20 hours away from family and the place I have known for my whole life.  The impending arrival of my furniture as made this all very real to me.   Sure...I have known for weeks now that I was moving...but it all had a very surreal feeling.  The arrival of my things...all of my worldly possesions...has made this real.  The point of no return.

LOL...I sound so melancholy.  I am happy.  I have just reached a very profound moment if life.  I am excited...and scared...and happy...and sad...and so many emotions that I cannot even find words for! 

Today is my mom's birthday!  Happy Birthday Mom!  I know when she reads this blog she will be worried and sad and all the things that mothers are when their children are far away from them.  I can't really make it better for her...just as she cannot make it better for me.  I don't wish to make her sad...or cry...especially on her birthday!  She knows that I love her.  I think that sometimes she thinks that I don't need her.  It is true that I am very independent.  And while it is true that I don't need her to tie my shoes and make my dinner...I still do need her and I do miss her very much.  (I know you are probably crying now mom.)  :)  But it is because of her that I was able to make this move.  My mom and pop have raise me...and now I am going off into the world to make them proud of me.  I can do this because they have instilled in me all of the things that I am...and for that I am truely grateful.  My brother and I could not possibly have more perfect and wonderful parents. 

It is funny how things are sometimes.  This morning (around 3 am) when I was feeling so sad Eddie (one of my cats) jumped onto my airmattress bed.  Now this is strange in itself.  Eddie is affectionate only on his terms...and this is usually very seldom.  Even when he is being affectionate it is usually only for a matter of minutes...then he jumps down to resume being his distant cat self.  But not last night.  He wanted to cuddle and to be petted.  He layed down right up next to me and stayed there.  He slept there.  It was like he knew that I was sad. (Don't laugh Bob...I was emtional...and that is what it seemed like!)  Now, Eddie always preferred my mom and pop.  When I was living at home...Cirrus slept with me and Eddie slept with them.  They had chosen their owners, like cats tend to do.  So, in a crazy way, in all of my missing home, it was like Eddie was trying to comfort me and let me know that my mom and pop missed me too and they are always here with me in thought.  (Now let me enter this side thought here...I am not one of those animal freaks who thinks that animals can communicate with us and stuff...animals are animals...and they act on instinct...but I do think that sometimes we need to believe that they understand us and care for us the way we care for them.)  That being said...I know my brother will still think I am stupid.  But that is okay...  :) 

Well...it is time that I take my shower and prepare for the arrival of my furniture!  I am sure this will be a busy day.  I look forward to my new adventure here in Virginia.  It is like today...even after all of these days sitting and waiting...I am finally beginning my adventure.  I welcome it...like I welcomed the coming of this new day.  I thank God for waking me and showing me a beautiful sunrise...the dawning of a new day....

Warning!! Cycling can be hazardous to your backside!

Good news on the furniture front...Phil (the driver) called this morning to get directions and let me know that he will be here on Friday!  Happy Day!  I will finally have a bed, and real dishes, and a sofa to sit on!

Today started another important day in my new and improved life.  I decided that if I was going to move across the country and basically start a brand new life then I should go for broke.  I decided that when I left Texas I would leave all of my bad habits behind me and start fresh in Virginia.  So far it has been hard because life is not normal when you don't have your things...but I have made alot of little changes. 

One of the big things is that I decided that it is time to get serious about getting in shape and being healthy.  I have spent the better part of the last year getting mentally and emotionally healthy and now it is time for the physical.  I was a memeber of Gold's Gym in Waco...and they have one here and in Culpeper.  So this morning was my first class...Cycling...or spinning as it is also known.  Basically this is where you get on a stationary bike and go through a ride...pretending to ride up hills and doing sprints.  I have read these classes for months in my fitness magazine and I have always wanted to try.  So...you have to call to get put on the list because there are a limited number of bikes.  I wanted the evening class but it was canceled.  However there was the 6:30-7:30 am class (the cheerful young girl answering the phones informed me).  I hesitated for a moment...thinking that I really didn't want to get up that early.  But then I thought...no excuses.  I want to get in shape and that means making a point to go exercise.  So...I signed up.

I got up at 5:30 this morning.  I ate a quick breakfast and then headed off to the gym around 6:00am.  You have to get there early to set up your bike.  And since I have never done this I thought it would be best to get there with plenty of time to spare.  The girl leading the class was nice.  She is a "professional" bike rider...meaning she bikes on tours and stuff like that.  I guess kind of like Lance Armstrong but maybe not so hard core.  It was hard...and here I am referring to the class as well as the bike seat.  I have no idea how people that bike for miles and miles do it.  I guess your butt just gets used to it after awhile.  After about 30 minutes I had had enough.  I was about to drop dead.  My butt hurt beyond belief and my legs were cramping.  I decided not to push it too much in the beginning so I streched and went home.

I think it is safe to say that spinning classes are not for me.  It hurts to sit down right now.  And it isn't that good kind of "workout" hurt.  It is like "I bruised my ass" kind of hurt.  LOL

So...I think I will stick with regular classes aerobic kind of classes and yoga.  Tomorrow evening will be my second class...one that doesn't require me to sit on a tiny little bike seat!

The Laundromat

I suppose that I finally have good news.  I found out today that my furniture will be here on Friday.  10 days late!  Of course...it was supposed to be here by tomorrow...but...they changed it again.  However, Friday is a confirmed day so I hope that they do show up...more for their sake than mine.

There have been many inconviences created by this lack of furniture.  I think one of the worst is sleeping on the air mattress every night.  At least I have it though.  The other major inconvience came today.  I have been putting off doing laundry because I had hoped that my furniture would arrive tomorrow.  Then I could just use my own washer and dryer.  However, since they aren't coming until Friday I could wait no longer.  I brought clothes...but the majority were packed.  My only choice was to find a laundromat. 

I absolutly abhor using public washers and dryers.  I hate lugging my things there, hate having to wait, and hate having to lug everything back upstairs.  College was my first experience with public laundry.  The dorms were one thing...at least it was right down the hall.  But then when Carole and I moved to an apartment we had to walk quite a ways to do our laundry.  My first purchase after college was a top of the line Maytag Neptune washer and dryer.  Now that I was going to have a real job and my own apartment I refused to walk to do my laundry ever again.  I love my washer and dryer and I was reminded of that this evening. 

It tooke me 3 hours to do 3 tubs of laundry.  That is crazy.  The washing was the fast part.  There were plenty of free washers...but all the dryers were taken.  It appeared to me that everyone splits up their wash into small loads for the dryers...hoping that they will dry faster.  This creates a problem though...there is a lack of dryers...so I had to wait, and wait, and wait.  Finally I was able to get a dryer.  By this point I was tired of being in the laundromat.  It was clean enough I suppose...but the people there were less than desirous.  I suppose I could have ridden around town looking for another one...but that would have taken even more time.  The thing that bothered me the most was that people were allowed to smoke in the building.  Smoke where my clean laundry is!  I don't want my clean clothes smelling like smoke!  So...as soon as my clothes were even a little dry I decided to cut my losses and leave.  So now...the clothes that still need to dry a little are spread around the apartment...drying.

I hope that I don't have to return to public laudry anytime in the near future!

In Honor of Bob

During my evening phone conversation with my mom, in which we talked about the news of the day...which on my end consited of pretty much nothing since I still don't have furniture...she mentioned that my brother was reading my blog at work today and was upset that he wasn't mentioned in it.  So I hereby dedicate this blog post in honor of my brother, Bob.

He left a week ago this coming Sunday.  We got up at the crack of dawn because he had to have an early non-stop flight back to Dallas.  We spent the night in Richmond and then got up early and put him on the plane.  I was sad but I tried not to show it.  Bob thinks it is silly to get all worked up about things like this.  I did manage to get two good hugs out of him before he disappeared behind the security checkpoint.  When my parents and I got back to the car I did mention to them that it was good I didn't start crying because he would have laughed at me.  But just so he knows...I was sad that he left. 

We had an eventfuly drive from Dallas to Charlottesville.  It was a good bonding experience.  We laughed alot and had a good time.  I was glad he drove with me.  We have more in common than either of us would like to admit I am sure. 

Bob is a good brother.  I talk about him often to my friends and to my students.  I have always been impressed by my brother.  He is really smart and has a good head on his shoulders.  I don't think he always uses that head...but I think that will change as he gets older.  I think the thing I admire most about Bob is that he really doesn't care what other people think about him or what he does.  He is a very self confident individual and doesn't worry if someone doesn't like how he is.  The amazing thing is that even though he always speaks his mind to his friends, they still stick around. 

Well...I am sure is I spend too much time talking about Bob it will get mushy and then that will annoy him.  LOL

As I said before, I still don't have furniture.  I am steadily working at my knitting.  The scarf is coming along quite quickly and I am soon to be starting my 2nd project.  I haven't decided yet if I will just do a bigger scarf or a hat.  Maybe I can start work on that coat that I like.  I am sure that the "Needle Lady" will be happy to offer her advice.

One more note of interest...the high tomorrow, for the 24th of July, is only supposed to be around 75 degrees.  I can hardly believe it.  While the weather people say that these temperatures are below normal for this time of year I will sure take it!  It beats 100 degrees any day of the week!

In the front door, around the back, peek through the window, and off jumps Jack!

I started knitting today.  Crazy I know.  Actually it is more ironic.  My mom had me take knitting classes one summer.  I think I was probably late elementary or early middle school aged.  I didn't like it so much then...but now I am having so much fun.  It all started on Sunday when we were in the Charlottesville downtown mall and saw a shop called the Needle Lady.  There was the most beautiful scarf/shawl in the window.  I went today and started.  Not the scarf I saw in the window but a starter scarf.  It is purple.  The lady running the shop said that the scarf I want to make should be more like a 3rd project because the yarn is so expensive.  By the 3rd project I will be better!

It is so calming.  And the great part is I will actually get to wear the things I make because it gets colder here than in Texas. 

I am still waiting for furniture.  At least now I can knit while I wait!

Flood of Tears

The day arrived.  I had to say goodbye to my mom and pop today.  They headed back to Texas early this morning.  It came several days early because of the whole moving problem.  Unfortunate for me and the moving company they decided to delay the arrival of my furniture by a week.  Anger does not fully describe my feelings towards the company.  So mom and pop decided to go back to Texas early instead of sitting here doing nothing.  They will fly back after my things arrive and help me get settled. 

Hugging and kissing them and then watching them drive away was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  Standing on the balcony, watching their car disappear I felt alone for the first time.  I cried for awhile.  Deep crying that comes from the heart of you.  I knew it would be hard...but this was beyond my expectations.  I am alone in a new city with nothing but my cats for company.  I don't know anyone yet and I have no furiture.  It is an adjustment.  One that took most of the day to overcome. 

Tonight I sit here writing this blog, watching TV, eating my free pizza (thanks to the apartment complex), and watching the cats play.  I feel better.  I no longer feel so alone.  I have come to terms and to a peace with my situation.  Tomorrow I will take care of the things I need to do.  I have to get a new cell phone and set up a checking account.  There are other things I will do.  I will start my life here.  I am excited.  I have survived this move and the sadness of my family leaving.  I am stronger.  I feel alive and full of excited expectation.  I have started a new life and I embrace that now.  I am sure that I will be sad over the coming days.  I know that I will miss home.  But I also know that my family and friends are but a phone call away.  I have me...I have my faith...

The flood of tears is over for the time being...

After any strong storm the air is cleared and things feel new and fresh.  That is how it feels now.

The agony of waiting

Well...still I wait for the movers to arrive.  I know I will be glad to have movers because moving all of my stuff up to the 4th floor of the apartment complex would be complete torture.  However, it is frustrating to have to wait on other people to get here with my stuff.
 
We spent the day doing boring things like looking at microwaves and new desks.  We went to the downtown mall (the old sense of the word...not the malls we usually think of).  Mom decided that she is sheltered and naive about the world.  She also decided that Charlottesville is much to liberal for her.  I think she just isn't used to seeing "Goths".  I like it here.  Of course I am used to the college atmosphere of the town.  That is why there is a place for all of us in the world!
 
I guess that is all I have to say for now.  The agony continues...

Virginia

Well...I am here.  My brother and I arrived in Virginia on Thursday afternoon.  There is nothing like driving 1200 miles in two days with two cats!  LOL.  Actually it wasn't as bad as I had expected.  It all went smoothly.  Now...I sit and wait for the movers.  I really do hate moving.  The driver was extremely unhelpful.  So now I have no idea when my furniture might arrive here in Virginia.  So I wait.  I am hopeful that it will arrive soon since my parents can only be here for a week to help me. 
 
It is still surreal that this is my new home.  Drving arround town, doing everyday things like shopping and going to the movies...it is strange.  I am starting to feel that lump of fear rise higher in my chest now.  Soon I will be here alone...At times I am so uncertain about what I am doing.  It is all very scarey.  What have I got myself into!  I know deep inside that this is right and that everything will turn out wonderfully.  In fact, on Thursday night, after we had arrived, we called mom to check in with her.  She wanted me to hear a message on the answering maching.  It was a school from the Charlottesville area, wanting to interview me for a teaching  position!  That makes four calls from Virginia, no calls from Texas.  I don't think I could have a clearer sign that this is where I am supposed to be.  However, at the moment that doesn't make it any easier.  I try not to think about next week as this time.  I am living by the day and will deal with the sadness and anxiety when the time comes! 
 
I hope that the 3rd of August hurrys!  I need Carole and Britt to get here...after all...this is all their fault!  (just kidding)  But I do hope that day gets here soon because then I won't be alone in my sadness and homesickness! 

Cotton Clouds

The sky was full of beautiful white cotton clouds today. I love clouds. I think of all things in nature they are one of my favorite. This were bright white cumulus clouds. The kind that only summer can bring. Fair weather, hot afternoon clouds. I can remember laying on the ground as a kid finding pictures in the clouds. It brings back happy memories of carefree, hot summer days, that only children can have.

I hope that Virginia has these big puffy white clouds. I don't see why it shouldn't, but having never lived in Virginia one can never be to certain. Maybe only Texas can have wide expanses of bright blue sky, filled with lazy cotton clouds.

Tomorrow is my last day here in Texas...at least until I come home to visit at the holidays. I will miss my Texas home. While I can always come back, I will be gone for at least a year. I look forward to watching the skys and the clouds in Virginia. However, I don't think Virginia can have the magnificant skys that are over Texas!

Echo

When you pack all of your things and your room is mostly empty it echos. It is a lonely sound. I final sound. I have heard the sound many times as I have moved frequently over the last 5 years. This time is different though...

I got a voicemail from Carole this morning. She called me yesterday to tell me about a rainbow they were seeing on the way home from Austin. I love rainbows. I seem to see them whenever I am needing reminding of God's love. I guess because in the Bible, a rainbow is the sign of God's promise. Even though I didn't see this rainbow it reminded me of God's presence in my life. I know that over the next few weeks I will need his love and strength more than ever.

As I move my things into my new apartment I will replace the echos of the next few days with all of my things. Echos don't last when a room is full of things. Just as lonliness doesn't last when you are filled with God's love!

Significant Moments

I have a feeling that tonight will be a significant moment in my life. I will be heading to Waco soon and tonight will be the last night that I spend in Waco with Carole and Britt. This will be another turning point moment in mine and Carole's life. Our first moment came the night before she got married. I was laying on her bedroom floor and she was laying in her bed. Our apartment was all boxed up for the move the next day. She would be getting married and I would be moving back to Dallas to begin my life as a teacher. As we laid there and talked we were aware of how that moment was a turning point. Our friendship would be forever changed. The second moment came right before their baby girl was born. I was spending the day with her because she was near here due date and we didn't want her to be alone. We were laying in their bed talking. We both felt like that was another turning point...that we knew things were about to change. A couple of days later their beautiful baby girl was born. Tonight will mark the third major moment. We are about to move to Virginia and start another chapter in life and in our friendship. It is happy and sad and exciting all at the same time.

I feel the time passing at home too. I have mentioned this in previous blogs...but it is so signifcant to me. I am about to head out...far away from home...marking a huge moment in my life with my family. I always thought this moment would be when I got married...but the moment has arrived before that. I am adult...it feels strange to think that. I don't always feel like an adult...but I am.

I think how much I have changed in the last 7 months...and I think of how much more I will change in the next 5. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself anymore. I like the new me but I miss the old me. But life is about change. Things change whether we want them to or not. We can either embrace the change or resist the change. I have done both. I think embracing the change is much easier in the long run. New and exciting times are ahead. And they are all marked by significant moments in my memories.

Hell on Earth

I think that packing is as close to hell on Earth as one can come. I hate packing. I hate unpacking. I hate everything that even remotely has to do with packing. I start out motivated and do good for a couple of boxes...then I am bored with it and don't want to do anymore. Hence...I sit here writing a post for my blog instead of working diligently on my packing. The movers come on Tusday...a mere 6 days from now. At least most of my things are packed from my move from Waco.

I am beginning to feel time now. Before my move still felt so far away and now it feels so close. The next few days will go by fast because I have to go to Waco for a doctor's appointment. Then it will be the weekend and those always go by way too fast. And then it will be time to move. I am more sad than I let on. It is easier that way. For instance...tonight I was standing at the microwave waiting for my black beans to finish heating and I started thinking about living in Virginia. I felt the prickle of tears in my eyes and I quickly thought of something else. I don't want to cry now...I will do that later!

Well...I suppose that I should get back to my packing. The sooner I get back to it the sooner I will be done with it!

My Final Week...

Tonight begins my final week in my parent's home. One week from tonight I will be preparing for the movers to show up. New Tuesday night will be my last night here. The move to Virginia has gone fast and furious. I think that it is best this way...I don't like it when things are long and drawn out. Of course...waiting to know what state I might be moving to was a long drawn out event...pure torture in my eyes. But now the time has come. It is strange. I have so many emotions inside me. I try not to think about it too much because I think I might cry. I am sad and scared and excited and happy all at the same time. It is strange to feel so many feelings all at once.

It isn't that I doubt my abilites to live on my own. I have done so successfully for many years now...but never so far away from my family. I am very close to my family...closer than most people are. Most people don't understand my relationship with my family because they themselves do not have a similar relationship. I think another large part of my emotions stems from the idea that when I leave here I will be beginning a life somewhere else for the frist time...something apart from my family...all mine...my adult life. I am not so sure that I am ready to be a complete adult yet. Being an adult brings on lots of responsibilities that I don't know if I really want to have. Of course...I suppose I have been an adult for many years now...maybe it is all just denial. LOL

Some of my friends feel that I need this break from my family to go out and become an individual...I question this. Family is part of my identity...just as teaching is. I don't want to be separate from my family. I mean...I don't want to live with mom and dad for my entire adult life...but I like having close family ties. When I mention this to people most think that I am just afraid to go out and be myself apart from my family. I am not afraid to be me...in fact I am me in spite of my family. I mentioned to my mom and dad one day this weekend that I think most of my family thinks I am wierd. My best friends are teaching their baby girl sign language. I think this is so awesome...I have seen it work and I had mentioned it to them when they first got pregnant. They said that they had already thought about this and planned on doing it. I read a book about cadavers. I love school and have two degrees and plan on getting more. I want to do crazy things like go diving with sharks and skydiving. I kind of enjoy being the family crazy...it keeps people wondering and gives them something to talk about. I wonder if people think my relationship with my family is constricting because they wish they had a close relationship with their own? Why are so many people so focused on getting away and being apart from their family? Are their families too controling or hard to get along with? I don't know...I guess there are many reasons...

In the last 7 months that I have lived and worked with my family on a daily basis I have learned alot of things. I think I have changed alot during the last 7 months. Even mom commented on this change. I have learned to not worry about what the family thinks. I can't change them and they can't change me. It all just sort of clicked one day and I suddenly realized that most things that upset me were totally pointless. Does it really matter if they think I am crazy for wanting to teach my future children to sign? What do I care if they don't want to read a book about cadavers? I am become so much more calm and at peace in the last 7 months that sometimes I scare myself. LOL

I am learning to be completely comfortable in my skin. I like having different view points. I like the fact that I am going to cry when my brother gets on the plane to come back to Texas. And that I will cry again when my mom and dad drive off from my apartment. I like that I will feel relief when my best friends arrive in Charlottesville. I am happy to be me...my emotional crazy self!

So...now I bein my final week...a week that is sure to be full of laughter and tears, stress and boxes, and many good memories!

The Unexciting 4th

Shouldn't holidays be fun and exciting? I know they were when I was a kid. Maybe something happens when you grow up that makes them just normal days. Maybe when a holiday ends up on a weekend it isn't as fun because it really isn't different from any other day of the week. My fun filled day started with finishing painting my furniture. Then we had lunch with my greatgrandmother. Then I took a nap. Nothing exciting...no picnics or parties or fireworks. Of course, there are plenty of activities around the Dallas area that I could have attended. But something about fighting huge crowds and sweating in the bright sun just doesn't excite me. Maybe if I lived where it isn't 98 degrees with high humidity I would enjoy it more...

I remember when I was a kid. We would wake up early and be so excited about the day. We would go out to the "farm" (really just my grandparent's house which was way out in Rockwall...of course back then Rockwall was still the country and there weren't huge housing developlments). We would get to go to a firework store and by all kinds of fireworks. We would then spend the days playing with Blackcats and those kind you threw on the ground and they popped. We would stick blackcats everywhere. We would blow up ant hills and crawdad holes...we would sting them together to make bigger explosions...it seems like we never got too hot or tired to blow up firecrackers. Really we were just killing time until it got dark. Then the dads would shoot off the huge fireworks and we would have our own display. It was so much fun...it was always sad when the last one would go off and the night was over. Now that was 4th of July as it should be.

Somewhere along the way we grew up, my grandparent's passed away, and we no longer had a place to shoot off our own fireworks...maybe that is when the holiday became just another day. I am curious to see if the fun will come back when I have my own children some day. There is something about being a kid that makes the holidays that much more exciting. I guess only time will tell...for now I will be content to enjoy a relaxing day in the coolness of the airconditioning...watching movies and taking naps...

Happy 4th of July!!!

I Give Up!

This is my first posting to my new blog. My best friend has a blog and I have been reading it every day. Since I am the technology "freak" between the two of us it is strange that she took part in a new technology before I did. Of course I have toyed with the idea of setting up a blog many times but I just never did. Of course, when she reads this she is probably going to start laughing at me because in a recent email I stated that I was working very hard to not fall to the temptation of starting a blog before I move. Well...as we can all see, my self control disolved and here I am. :)

I know in my head what I would love for this blog to be...however, I know that what we want and what ends up happening are many times very different things. I love reading my friend's blog because it lets me into her head. Many of the things I read we would never get around to actually talking about. I love being able to get to know her even more.

If you know me then you know who this mysterious friend is, however, since this is the internet and I haven't discussed it with her I am not going to mention her name. Not that I really think that there is anything to worry about...but because it is common courtesy. I guess I get this from the fact that I am a teacher. Teachers are very careful to not mention names to protect their rights...so I will use that judgement here as well. At least for awhile!

I feel like I have so much to say and that I could probably make this post go on and on for pages and pages...but who really wants to read all of that? I am sure that during my postings most of my life will be illustrated quite beautifully.

So I guess this will end my first post. :)