Merry Christmas and growing pains

You might think that by the age of 28 I would be done with growing pains. However...I experienced a large growing pain this Christmas. I have woken up every Christmas morning in my parent's home...this was the first year that I didn't.

The main reason is that Nathan and I live together and aren't married yet. While mom and pop graciously accept this fact (and it is actually openly talked about between all of us now...well at least mom and I can talk about it and not be too uncomfortable) there are still rules and boundaries that must be adhered to in their house.

A few days before Christmas Nathan asked me if we would be spending the night at my parent's house. I told him that the issue had not been brought up and it was going to be mom and pop who brought it up not me! :) As I said...mom and pop have accepted us living together and are okay with it. They are more okay with it than any other family members are anyway....except Bob. See, we have Bob to thank for this easy transition. A few years back he openly and quite bluntly stated to mom that engagement is trial marriage and he plans on living with his finace before they get married. It took mom by surprise...but it softned the blow for me. (Thanks Bob...I always knew you were my favorite brother...even if you are my only one!) Anyway...getting back to the point...while they have accepted that we live together...that we are building a house together (which is coming along at an excellent speed at the moment...we have a roof now!)...that we are really only waiting on June to make our lives together complete and official...they are still traditional and have rules in their home.

So then mom brought up the topic....a very awkard moment for both of us. I told her that it was up to her and pop...as it is their house and their rules and I know how they have always felt about...shall we call it...premarital living. Now this conversation took place at about 10:30 at night as Nathan and I were in the car driving back from Oklahoma. Mom said we would talk more about it the next day (Christmas Eve). We all artfully avoided the topic all day. And as Nathan and I were leaving their house to get ready for the 11:00 candlelight church service I always attend mom asked if we would be coming back.

It was the moment of truth....I knew that by her asking she was telling me that it was okay with her and pop...kind of anyway. But I could also feel and underlieing tension...I said...No...

A wave of sadness so complete and overpowering washed over me at that moment. I kicked myself to the surface and hid my emotions...hugged my mother goodnight and we left. I was sad...I would not be waking up on Christmas morning in my parent's home...something I have known and done my entire life. Some of you will not understand my grief of this moment. You haven't woken up in the home of your childhood...or at least the home of your parent's in years and it doesn't mean much. But I live in tradition at the holidays. I love tradition.

I love the stuffing the my grandmother made that now mom makes. I like plain mashed potatoes and corn and turkey. I don't like it when we start messing with the traditions I have always known. I like the infinite amount of pictures that my aunts and mom insist on taking. We take the same shots every year...you can watch us grow by those Christmas shots. I love every tradition that we have...the big and the small...the important and the seemingly insignificant. Traditions are what make the holidays special to me...they bring back memories and feelings of past holidays...of people gone...of times that seemed simpler and happier. So these things matter to me.

As we got ready for church I was sad. As we sat in church and listened and sang and enjoyed the spirit of Christmas I was sad. I fought back tears on several occasions. But even as I was sad I was happier and I ever have been. Sitting next to me the whole time...holding my hand...was the man I love. There will never be another Christmas where I will sit alone in the church service wishing to have someone special to share it with. To be so happy and so sad all at once was a very confusing and odd feeling.

When we arrived back home (our lovely apartment that I can't wait to move out of) I told Nathan..."For the first time ever I won't wake up at home on Christmas morning." And he said something that starteled me...he said..."But now you have a new home." Even now as I write this days later I almost cry. It is true. I do have a new home...I have Nathan...and wherever we wake up it is home because we are together. It should sappy and corney I know...but at the moment it was so profound.

At 28 I am not longer a little girl waking up in my parent's home. I am an adult now...I have my own home...and in a few years we will have our own family. I knew this day would come...and it finally has. Have I had the last of my growing pains? I am not sure...I think I have one more growning pain to go through and I will do that on June 17.