Sad

Tonight I am sad.

Ruthie...my 97-year-old great grandmother...who I wrote up just last month when she turned 97...passed away this morning.

In a way it was sudden and not sudden all at the same time. Less than two weeks ago she was perfectly fine...she was at work...I saw her and talked to her...and then she turned for the worse. Now...less than two short weeks later she is no longer here.

I feel an odd mix of emotions right now. It is a different kind of sad. I don't know if it is because I am older and understand how to cope better than when I was younger and lost my grandparents...or if it is because she was 97 and had a full, complete life.

But the sad is different from any of the others I have experienced. It isn't quite real yet either. When someone lives such a long life you just get used to the thought that she will always be there...so my brain can't quite work around it all yet.

I feel sad...but I feel happy too. I am happy that she is in a better place...a place without fear or sadness or loneliness. I am happy for her for that. They say we feel sad for selfish reasons...and I suppose I do feel a little sad for those reasons. We are less than 3 months till the wedding...she did want to be a part of it...and I feel sad that she won't be there now. She wanted so much to a have Pink Tea for me...she would talk about how she had ALWAYS wanted to have a pink tea but no one ever had one. I was going to have one for her...for me...to give her that.

Two weeks ago I was telling her that I was going to bring her to the house once we had moved in to see everything...that will never happen either.

So...tonight I am mostly sad. The tears come in spurts...they are not steady...mainly when I think of something. But for the most part I try to keep my head clear.

Tomorrow is a new day...and maybe I won't be quite as sad...