Moments of Knowing

We have all had moments when we suddenly feel or know something more clearly than ever before.

Most of the times I think we feel this in regards to people. Like...the moment when you realize that you can't imagine life without your husband, or fiance, or wife. Or maybe it is the moment when you realize you really can't sit on the floor for hours without being stiff when you get up. I somehow don't think I am explaining the depth of my post tonight.

Let me try with my story....specific details will be left out because it pertains to my career...but you will get the idea.

This last week we were giving the TAKS test. The high-stakes state mandated test. It causes stress to everyone who comes in contact with it. You are fearful...did I do it right...did I say exactly what I was supposed to and nothing more...did I do it wrong? And that is just the teacher side of the story. You see...if you really mess up the TAKS test...the state of Texas can revoke your teaching license. For kids...the test is just as stressful...but as I am a teacher and not a student...I am not going to focus on their side of the story.

Well...events happened during the test and now there will probably be a state investigation or at least an inquiry. The why isn't really important here....but when they start talking about statements and investigations you get nervous.

Did I mess up so bad that the state will take away my teaching certificate? Will I be banned from my passion for the rest of my life? And....if they do...what in the world will I do now? Of course...these questions are complete over-reactions...but they still fly through your brain at about a million miles per second.

It was then that I had my "Moment of Knowing"....I might complain about my job sometimes...and somedays I may even dread going and facing my students....and there are times when other unpleasant thoughts creep into the fringes of my conscious thought....BUT...if I truely could not teach. If someone or something took that away from me...part of me would be lost. It was such a profound moment. I have always known that I am a teacher...well...I have known since Kindergarten anyway. But I never realized how much a part of me it is....and if that part was removed how deeply hurt I would be.

I cried...cried hard...the cry of true grief at the thought of not doing what I love. It was like for just an instant I was able to see and feel my life if teaching was ripped from me...it was as startling and profound as loosing a loved one. I knew...knew that I am a teacher to the core and that not being a teacher would make me...not me.

Then I recovered. I have my job. No one is going to take it from me. And even if I leave it for a short while to have children, I will return to it one day. And it won't be like I had left it...just had a change in audience. Instead of teaching someone else's baby...I will teach my own!

Moments of knowing don't happen often...but when they do...it changes everything.