Irritation

Last night as I was trying to go to sleep and expressing my frustrations of the day to Nathan...it dawned on me that I had spent my entire day in some level of irritated state. There was really no reason for being irritated about things...but I was.

Why? I really don't know...I told Nathan that you would think I was having a serious bout of PMS. I was just irritated...plain and simple.

Maybe it was because that Sunday night or early Monday morning I had a dream in which Nathan was shot in the head. He lived...and was okay in my dream...but maybe that started my day off bad. Maybe it was because that every school day is a struggle now. Or maybe it is because I would rather be doing other things. A small part may have something to do with our wedding drawing closer and closer.

Whatever the cause...most likely a combination of all of those things and more...it was irritating to be irritated.

One strage side effect of all this...I don't really feel like sharing my joy. I am so happy and excited about the wedding but I don't really want to share it with anyone...except Nathan. I don't want people to ask how things are going or to make suggestions. To be honest I am sick of people's suggestions. I am feeling a real selfishness about our wedding right now...something along the lines of..."It is my wedding...I will make the decisions...I will choose what I want...and if you don't like it...too bad...keep it to yourself!" It is like I just want to be privately happy...like when we first knew we were going to get married and we had stated it to each other but we didn't tell anyone...it was just between us.

I have read about many things that a bride feels...but this selfishness is one I haven't see anywhere. And the worst part is that it makes me feel incredibly rude, childish, mean, irrational...take your pick. So I fake it. I just let people talk and say what they want and I smile and act excited and let them think that their suggestion is the best we have ever had.

I tried explaining this all to mom yesterday. Mom has been great...she doesn't offer many opinions...but is there to give advice when I ask. I never doubted mom would be great during this process...she isn't over-bearing or pushy about things. That is why I like my mom. I think liking your mom is almost more important than loving your mom. You can love people without really liking them. I mean...who doesn't LOVE the person that brought them into existance...but LIKING...that is something totally different. You can fall in and out of like. I will always LOVE my mom...but I like mom because she respects me and gives me space when I need it. She makes herself likable. I am glad.

Well...I suppose I need to go to work. We are going to do food chains, food webs, and energy pyramids today in class. :) Sounds like fun!