Goodbye

Today was Ruthie's memorial service. It was a day filled with emotion and tears. It was good. The service was wonderful and just what she would have wanted.

I learned new things...She was placed in the wall and I always wondered how they did it...now I know. It seems my curiosity to know how things work never takes a break.

The hymn I posted on my "Coping" post, Heavenly Love Abiding, was the hymn we sang at the service. Well...I didn't sing. It was too hard so I just cried. I just let it all out...everything that I hadn't cried...I just let it go. That song meant more to me today. It is the song that I heard on the player on the first day I saw Ruthie when she first got sick. She was so aggitated and I heard that song and I told her to listen and take deep breaths...she listened and calmed down. The song has more history than that...when I was in high school my aunt, Maryann, called and read me part of the hymn after a particulary bad breakup. The hymn just means so much...and today it helped me say goodbye.

I still am sad. I still have things to let go of...but life will continue and in time it will be easy...just like it gets easy after all the others...but I do feel better. I let a big part of the hurt out today...I feel better.

You know...she sometimes frustrated me...she sometimes frustrated most of us...but no matter what she was important in my life. I saw her almost every day of my life. She was a big part of everything we did. I will miss her...but she is in such a great place now...and I try to keep that in mind.

Sad

Tonight I am sad.

Ruthie...my 97-year-old great grandmother...who I wrote up just last month when she turned 97...passed away this morning.

In a way it was sudden and not sudden all at the same time. Less than two weeks ago she was perfectly fine...she was at work...I saw her and talked to her...and then she turned for the worse. Now...less than two short weeks later she is no longer here.

I feel an odd mix of emotions right now. It is a different kind of sad. I don't know if it is because I am older and understand how to cope better than when I was younger and lost my grandparents...or if it is because she was 97 and had a full, complete life.

But the sad is different from any of the others I have experienced. It isn't quite real yet either. When someone lives such a long life you just get used to the thought that she will always be there...so my brain can't quite work around it all yet.

I feel sad...but I feel happy too. I am happy that she is in a better place...a place without fear or sadness or loneliness. I am happy for her for that. They say we feel sad for selfish reasons...and I suppose I do feel a little sad for those reasons. We are less than 3 months till the wedding...she did want to be a part of it...and I feel sad that she won't be there now. She wanted so much to a have Pink Tea for me...she would talk about how she had ALWAYS wanted to have a pink tea but no one ever had one. I was going to have one for her...for me...to give her that.

Two weeks ago I was telling her that I was going to bring her to the house once we had moved in to see everything...that will never happen either.

So...tonight I am mostly sad. The tears come in spurts...they are not steady...mainly when I think of something. But for the most part I try to keep my head clear.

Tomorrow is a new day...and maybe I won't be quite as sad...

I'm a Dr. Pepper...

I followed the link on Brandy's blog...there are all kinds of silly little quizzes to find out all kinds of silly little things...

Turns out...if I was a soda I would be a Dr. Pepper...ground breaking stuff..I know! :)

But after today I needed something completely random and silly...

You Are Dr. Pepper

You're very unique and funky, yet you still have a bit of traditionalism to you.People who like you think they have great taste... and they usually do. Your best soda match: Root Beer Stay away from: 7 Up

What Kind of Soda Are You?

Complete Exhaustion

After 3 full days of going back and forth between house and apartment...we are finally finished! Everything we own is in the house...I own alot of stuff...we can't really see how it all fit into the apartment...oh well...I am good and packing lots of things into small spaces. :)

I am tired...Nathan is tired...we have so much to do...but I am tired. Not just...I worked a long day tired...but down to my bones I just want to lay down and recover tired. Of course...we have been going non-stop for 3 days...getting up at 5:30 or 6:00 and not stopping until well after 10:00pm...which is after our bed time!

But it is all worth it! At least I am tired in OUR house!

It is so wonderfully perfect! I love everything...except that maybe the breakfast area is a little too small and we definetly don't have enough kitchen cabinets...but on the positive side of that I will get rid of alot of the extra plastic storing stuff...which is that bane of my existance! But really...those two things don't even bother me....because everything is OURS...we are not renting...we own this...all of it...and according to Nathan...we are NEVER moving again...LOL...funny

Well...I must do something since Nathan is up putting things away and it isn't fair for him to be the only one working. At least we can do a few things before we fall into bed in an hour or two.

I've Been Tagged...

I hate these kinds of things...but why not...I am tired of unpacking...and since I don't have a chair I don't feel like writing too long of a blog.

Short version...we are in...it is wonderful...tomorrow the rest of our stuff will be here.

So on with this...

Four Jobs I've Had
1. Grocery Store Chasier (High School)
2. Calloway's Nursery
3. Masker (mom and dad own a metal finishing business)
4. Teacher

Four Movies I'd Watch on Repeat
1. Pick a Harry Potter....I've seen it a million times and never get tired!
2. You've Got Mail
3. Pirates of the Carribean
4. Narnia (When it gets to DVD)

Four TV Shows I Love
1. Gilmore Girls
2. Crossing Jordan
3. CSI (the original Las Vegas Version)
4. Three and a Half Men

Four Vacation Locales I'd Love to Hit
1. Maine
2. Nova Scotia (Canda in general)
3. The Great Barrier Reef
4. Hawaii

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
1. Various Blogs
2. Yahoo Mail
3. MuggleNet.com (I'm hooked on Harry!)
4. random science sites (to keep up and for teaching)

Four Foods I Enjoy
1. Sushi!!!!
2. White cake with White icing
3. Home-made burgers (on the grill of course) with swiss cheese
4. Salad and Kraft Mac & Cheese (the blue box blues)...a toss up

Four Changes I'd Make to the House
1. As I just moved into my brand new house, built to my liking, ...I have NONE...check back in a year
2. I would like for everything to magically unpack itself
3.
4.

Four Beverages I Like
1. Water
2. SWEET Iced tea
3. Juice (cranberry, cranberry mixed with other fruits)
4. Fresca (original citrus)

Tags
1. None...I am not going to continue this torture...
2.
3.
4.

Enjoy!

Anticipation

Remember when you were little and it was the night before Christmas and you were too excited to sleep?

Well...tonight is my "night before Christmas"! Tomorrow morning we sign the papers and our house becomes ours! 10:00am is the magical time. I cannot wait.

My excitment has grown all day...each passing minute I get more and more excited. I know because as today wore on I kept chattering more and more about completly unimportant things. I reminded myself of my students!

I cannot convey how very happy I am that this is the last night in this apartment. I am almost done with apartment life! I moved into my first apartment with Carole when I was 20 years old...now I am 28...almost 29 and I finally get to move into a place where I am free to paint the walls and not worry about nail holes! If you could see me now you would see me doing a happy dance!

This morning was the last time I would have a short drive to work...at least for the rest of this school year! :) I don't care...I will have a house! Nathan and I can't stop talking about all the things we want to do.

On another note...today was a very important day for another reason. It started out as many of my days do. I woke up with a nagging pain behind my right eye...warning sign...a migraine is about to hit full force and it is too late. I took some advil anyway and took my shower as normal...still there was pain and it was increasing slightly...but not as quickly as normal...and a faint hope glimmered.

I got ready for the day...I was nervous. The advil didn't seem to be kicking in and I worried what my day would bring. I really REALLY didn't have time for a migraine today. So off I went...scared about that pain in my head.

But as my day went on I realized, around lunch time, that my headache was completely gone! I was amazed! I wanted to shout from the top of the highest mound of dirt in Texas (as we don't really have mountains in the Dallas area...). I couldn't believe it...

What was once a sign of impending doom turned out to be nothing...absolutely NOTHING! This hasn't ever happened...EVER. I was nearly skipping with joy when I entered the chiropracter's office this afternoon. I couldn't wait to tell him the good news...in less than two weeks it seems as though my treatment was successful. Not to say that my completely straight neck is back to it normal 20 degree curve or anything...but still success! If today was a sample of my future headaches...just a short-lived (yet still a little painful) irritating blip on my day...I can live with that!!! I now have complete hope that my mirgaines can be completely cured. Some of you may be skeptical...but you don't know that warning pain like I do...and today I fully expected a complete day-ending migraine...and yet nothing!

So...there is another of my anticipations...the idea of a headache free life! What a wonderful possibility!

I suppose I should head to bed...although I am quite sure that I am too excited to sleep anytime soon. But tomorrow will be a busy and happy day and I want to be fully awake and ready! But I am sure tonight will be like so many Christmas Eve nights...waiting...staring at the ceiling...wondering what presents you will get....and so giddy with excitment you can hardly lay still. The one difference is that I know what my present is! And I am still giddy with excitement!!!

Two Cups of Coffee

I am sure that most people have received the email about the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee. I received again just last week...I really love the story...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreedthat it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it intothe jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous"yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

I completely believe that God puts things in our lives when the time is right. He talks to us in unexpected yet very clear ways. I read the email that contained this story this morning...after a few very long and emotionally difficult days. I needed a reminder of what to put first in my life this morning and I feel like I recieved.

Rain...Rain...and more Rain

It has been raining all weekend. Garland alone has had readings of more than 8 inches of rain just today! We are in a draught...and we do need rain...but this is alot of rain! The flooding is bad...but we live at the top of a hill!

So thank goodness we aren't moving this weekend!

Speaking of moving...

We cooked our last Sunday night dinner in this apartment tonight. Next Sunday we will be happy and snug in our new home! :) I cannot believe it is FINALLY here! I am sure you think we are done packing...LOL...nope...not even close. We have made great headway...but alot of things cannot be packed until closer to moving as we still need them. We are supposed to close Thursday morning...which means we can have a majority of the day to move some things in!

I am glad we are moving. We called the fire department last night. We could smell this horrible electrical burn smell in our office room. They couldn't find anything...we concluded late last night it had to be the ceiling fan motor...so we don't turn on the fan anymore. I am SO tired of living in an apartment.

We became members of the Wylie United Methodist Church today. It is a wonderful place and we love the early morning service. To join we both had to be baptized...Nathan was baptized as a child but the church I grew up in didn't do the ritual of baptism...so I was also baptized today. Overall it was a very moving and happy experience.

Tomorrow we go back to work...I love spring break...and I am sad it is over. But this week I should hear from Wylie about interviews for a job. That will be GREAT! Plus...I only have to go to work for 3 days this week. We already have subs for Thursday and Friday. And it is almost April which means only 2 more months of school...can you tell I am ready for it to end??? I am so miserable at my current school...and I look forward to finding a new school for next year.

Well...that is about it for now...I need to go to bed since I have to get up at my usual...very early time again tomorrow. And as they are promising at least one...possibly two more rounds of rain with embedded thunderstorms I am sure I will wake up at least once!

Unfulfilled

There are moments when you realize that it didn't do enough. That you put off doing something just because it wasn't convenient or maybe because you just really didn't feel like doing it.

In those moments you are sad...realizing how simple it would have been and wishing it were different.

But...you can't change the past...you just have to move forward and remember the lesson....

Coping

Some days life reaches out and grabs you down...mostly unexpected or maybe expected...but still a shock to the system regardless.

On those days...you find a way to cope.

We all cope differently. We pray, call a friend, cry, loose yourself in some project or work that needs to be done. At age 28 I finally realize how I cope the best...I seek knowledge.

I was just taking my nightly bath where I typically sit and read some magazine...usually Real Simple which is my favorite. I flipped through it without really seeing...today was one of those days when life grabs you down. I won't go in to details as it isn't really necessary or even the focus of this blog...but sufice it to say that today was long and full of mental worries. So back to my bath...I realized I wasn't really reading and my mind drifted back to a review of my day. I thought it all over and realized that my actions today were my way of coping with a problem.

This made me think back....

I think the first time that I coped with a stress by gaining knowledge was when I was in elementary school. I was so very fearful of tornadoes...anytime it would storm I was worried that a tornado was zooming its way toward me. The fear was intense and made me feel silly the next morning when the sun was shining brightly. Then I remember coming across the book...The Night of the Twisters. I remember vaguely that mom wasn't happy that I chose to check the book out of the school library. She thought it would make my fear worse. But I was drawn tot he book. And while I cannot say it was that educational of a book it calmed my fears. From the moment I finished that book I was never afraid again. (Until when I was living in Irving and the police broke in on the TV and told us to take cover immediately. I freaked...but nothing happened...of course that was my first real scare!)

But the more I think about this coping mechanism the more I think I begin to understand myself. Knowledge calms me down...I read and search and try to find answers. I feel empowered. It doesn't necessarily dimish my worry but I do find peace in learning. Of course...it does make sense...I have 2 degrees and I teach school...both completely focused on the whole concept of knowledge as power kind of thing.

I have other coping mechanisms too...I guess it just really depends on the situation...but in almost all instance at some point during the time of stress or crisis I find myself yearning to learn something.

Once that need is fulfilled I can more fully relax and move on to other coping mechanisms that calm me even more...like...praying or listening to music...or blogging.

It is amazing to me how I continue to learn so much about myself. Sometimes I think that people think my ways are strange or that they don't make sense...to those people I would love for them to try and understand me...we are all so different and have such different needs.

It feels good to know how I work...to know that if I fill my immediate coping needs first then I can move on to more common ways of coping.

Back to today...I did learn alot today. I cannot say that all of it was comforting in a normal sense of comfort...it is hard to explain. But searching out answers aloud me to put my mind to use and to learn...then I moved on to prayer and hymns...because my mind was calm and all the questions answered...Maybe that is what seaking knowledge does for me...it allows me to silence the millions of questions in my mind. Once my mind is silent I am free to move forward.

Today's main source of secondary comfort came from one of my favorite childhood hymns...In Heavenly Love Abiding

In heavenly Love abiding,
No change my heart shal fear,
And safe is such confiding,
For nothing changes here,
The storm my roar without me,
My heart may low be laid,
But God is round about me,
And can I be dismayed?

Wherever He may guide me,
No want shall turn me back;
My Shepherd is beside me,
And nothing can I lack.
His wisdom ever waketh,
His sight is never dim,--
He knows the way He taketh,
And I will walk with Him.

Green pastures are before me,
Which yet I have not seen;
Bright skies will soon be o'er me,
Where darkest clouds have been.
My hope I cannot measure,
My path to life is free,
My Savior has my treasure,
And he will walk with me.

May we all find our best way to cope.

Packing

The thing I hate most in this world...Packing.

There is very little that is GOOD about packing. I do the easy stuff first...the entertainment unit, the hutch, the bookshelves...I leave the random stuff for the end. I love it when everything for a specific place fits in a designated box. I hate the end when there is not enough of anything to fill one box so you get boxes full of random things.

One good thing is that I weed out the crap that I really don't need. Old magazines that I really hate to part with but I know I will never read again. Shoes I haven't worn in 3 years....parts to things that I cannot remember what it belongs to.

I didn't always throw things out as easily as I do now. There are two reasons for my change...

1. I have moved 8 times in the last four years. I could go through all the various stops...however...it is too long and tedius. This will now be the 9th move since 2002. Anyone who moves that much is simply crazy. And after the first or second move you get really sick of moving crap you never use or need and so you finally just get rid of it. It is quite freeing in a way. To have fewer and fewer boxes to move each time is an accomplishment. Of course...if you talk to my dad he will say that I still have too much junk...but...I could probably get down to 3 boxes and 4 pieces of furniture and it would still be too much! :) (Just kidding Pop!)

2. The seond reason for my change is Nathan. He likes to throw stuff away. He is of the opinion that if you don't currently need it then get rid of it. I argue that I might need it. He asks when. I say...I don't know...but one day I will need it...like when we have kids. He rolls his eyes and laughs. We repeat this conversation several times a week. So...we get rid of stuff. And for the most part I am happy about it. It is nice to not have useless clutter and for everything to have a space...because when you throw things out you suddenly have plenty of space!

This is going to be my last move for many years. I mean...the 9th move in 4 years!!!! I am crazy.

But even with the knowledge that I won't have to pack up and move again in the forseeable future I still hate the packing process. It is easier with Nathan helping however.

So on we pack...a week from tomorrow we sign on the house and start moving in....ONE WEEK...so very very exciting!!!

Sleep

Last night....for the first time since I was on prescription medicine to help me sleep...I slept. Not only did I sleep...but I slept deep and woke up completely refreshed!

So what changed?

I started going to a chiropracter. My migraines have been getting worse and more frequent. Medicine seems to have little and inconsistent effect. I had reached a point where I had to find something to help me. I loose entire days to headaches.

The part that worries me the most is my future. How can I take care of my infant child...or my toddler if I am completely incompactiated by a headache? The other part is that I know I cannot take many of the medicines I have been taking when we get pregnant. While pregnancy and future children are still a couple of years away...I have to think about it and plan for it.

So...2 weekends ago we went to the GISD health fair to get our tetnus shots and saw this chiropractor. I was able to get a consultation for $20! (Usual price is well over $100 for a consultation and x-rays.)

Monday was my apointment. I went in the morning for the consulation. We talked extensively about my headaches and a few other problems that are related to chiropractic care. Then he started feeling my neck and back and checking my spine. Apparently the right side of my body is completely out of whack. My right leg is shorter than my left (due to some pelvic rotation or something like that), my right shoulder sits lower than my left shoulder due to muscle spasm, and my x-rays later reveiled that my head tilts to the right just slightly. Nathan and I went back Monday afternoon for the complete diagnosis and treatment plan.

The most startling thing was my profile x-ray. The neck part of the spine is supposed to have about a 20 degree curvature...mine has ZERO curvature. That is better than negative curvature (or a reverse curve)...but still it is not good. The doctor feels that this could be causing my headaches...at least in part.

He gave me three adjustments on Monday...one in the upper middle of my back and one on each side of my head. It was amazing how much my range of motion increased just from those three adjustments. But the best part was last night. Sleep...wonderful, deep sleep!

I have concluded that even if nothing else gets better...even if this somehow doesn't help me headaches it will be worth it just to sleep and not have a tight and sore back! But I really do think it will help my headaches. The brain and spine are so intricately connected that if one tiny thing is off then the entire system ceases to funtion properly. The lack of a natural 20 degree curve could be a very big part of my headaches. While the doctor did admit...and I agree with him...that migraines are a little more tricky than just regular headaches...I still feel that this will have a positive result. For the first time someone has identified a physical possible problem and has a plan to help it get better. I like that.

Tomorrow I have another adjustment. I cannot wait. It feels so good to know that I am doing something to get better!

Small Accessory causes a HUGE uproar

I have been meaning to write about this for a few days now...but just haven't done so.

Last weekend mom and I went to Sam Moon to find hair accessories for the wedding. I have lived in Dallas my whole life and never been to Sam Moon...a great...CHEAP...jewelry and accessory store. I knew it would be crawling with people and warned mom before we got there. We went to their newer store up in Frisco. After searching for parking we were rewarded with a spot right in front of the store.

We quickly found the hair accessories and started searching. After about 20 minutes I found exactly what I wanted and mom and I set out to explore the other parts of the store. We ended up with 6 pieces for my hair (5 hair pins and a head band), wedding jewelry for both of us and two sets of earrings apiece. We paid ($60) for our things and left.

I don't wear earrings much. Some how my piercings stay open even when I go for a year or more without wearing earrings. On Tuesday I decided to wear a pair of my new earrings to school. I haven't warn earrings all year long. I really didn't think anything about it.

That changed when the bell for second period rang. I don't teach first period so my first set of students come in at second period. As my students started coming in the all started commenting about how something was different about me. First it was just the girls and then the boys started chiming in. A minute or so after the tardy bell rang one little girl shouted out, "Ms. Dean...You are wearing earrings!" The commotion lasted for well over 5 minutes.

It lasted all day...every period...it was crazy! All day long they kept commenting how pretty I was with earrings and how I should wear them all the time and how cute I am with them. It made me laugh at the uproar such a small accessory caused.

So...I obliged them by wearing the other new set on Wednesday...more of the same. They all kept asking if I had a date or if I was cheating on Nathan.

They are so funny sometimes. For such a tiny difference in my appearance to cause such a huge deal is amazing. Just when you think they NEVER pay attention they show you just how tuned in they are to every SMALL thing you do.

I commented to another teacher that it was as if I had cut my hair short and died it hot pink.

They funny little things...it is why I LOVE teaching so very much!

99 Days

Until the Wedding!

We are under a hundred days and it feels like there is still so much to do.

One week from today we will be doing our final walk through....2 weeks from today we will be waking up in our new house and moving stuff in!

9 1/2 hours from now we will be out of school for spring break!

Harry Potter AND New Carpet

There isn't much good about the week before spring break. The kids are crazy and act like they are already on vacation and the teachers are dreaming about Friday afternoon.

But two great things did happen today. First and most importantly Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire came out on DVD today. I am a Harry Potter fanatic! I was planning on going to buy it right after work today. But as I drove into the garage I noticed a black Harry Potter sign hanging on the door. I was so excited...I knew Nathan had stopped to buy the movie. So I pulled the sign off the door to see that it was a lithograph of the movie. I opened the door and there was Harry Potter...waiting on the kitchen counter! I have THE best boy in the world! I got the movie and a lithograph! What a day...

So then we went to see the house. We stopped to get a key since they are now locking it. Our neighbors were outside flying kites with their two granddaughters and commented that they thought we got carpet today. We opened the door to see beautiful carpet...and me without my camera! Oh well...

We took off our shoes (my mandatory request) and walked the whole house leaving little footprint tracks over the vaccum marks.

The builder showed up to lock the house and we talked to him for a bit...most of what it left is painting touchups. :)

We are almost there...2 weeks from Thursday we sign and move in!!!

So...for the week before spring break...it turned out to be a pretty great day!

Locked Out!

Yesterday evening we stopped by our house to see what they had done that day. We drive up and immediately notice that our front door is stained! Nathan walks over only to discover that the door is locked...the garage door was locked...and the back door was locked! We are now officially locked out of our home!

We knew it was coming of course. There would come a day when they began locking the house. We just don't like it very much! However...we can always go to the office to get a key to go in our house. :)

The reason they are now locking the house arrived on Friday. Mom, Pop, and I went over to see our house. They hadn't seen the backyard since the fence went up. We walked in and saw immediately that our appliances had arrived! They are all black...I have pictures but I have been bad about getting pictures posted lately...

We were soon met by the painter asking us to please be careful and not touch ANYTHING! They were painting trim and window sills (finally!!!).

We are almost there. We do are final walk through on Friday, March 19th. So...less than two weeks now!

Turn on the Lights

Nathan was supposed to get off work early today but ended up having to work late. I left school at normal time and stopped by to talk to mom for a few minutes. A few minutes turned into an hour and a half or more. My plan had been to go see the house.

Nathan called right around 6:00pm and said we should meet at the house to see it. So I hurried out...as I turned the corner to pull into the drive way my phone rang and he told me not to hurry.

He told me not to hurry because we have LIGHTS! It was awesome to go into the house and turn on the lights. We turned on every light in the house...except the ones that didn't turn on because they didn't have light bulbs!

The other great thing is that they put up our fence. The backyard seems bigger now that the fence is up...and that is saying something considering it is only about 16 feet from the back of the house to the fence!

Nathan pointed out that 2 weeks from THIS Friday we will be doing our final walk through!!!

So exciting!!!!!